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Today's Joke: Married life revelations

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 03:14:00 GMT

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Today's Joke: Married life revelations
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

01. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

02. Life's Irony: It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends.

03. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

04. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

05. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

06. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and that is a good thing for any man.

07. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...

08. Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life sentence!

09. Marriage is when a man and woman become one, the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

10. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

11. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

12. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

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Visual Joke: When Google logo designer's was heart broken
~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Today's Joke: The old man's pond

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:33:00 GMT

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Today's Joke: The old man's pond
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast...

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Visual Joke: Presenting The Yoga Dogs
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Today's Joke: Equations it's the best I have read in a LONG time

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 02:11:00 GMT

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Today's Joke: Equations - it's the best I have read in a LONG time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy

Therefore:
Human - enjoy = Donkey + Work

In other words,
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

** Equation 2 **

Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money

Therefore:
Man - earn money = Donkey

In other words
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey

** Equation 3 **

Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman - spend = Donkey

In other words,
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey

To Conclude: From Equation 2 and Equation 3

Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend

So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!

So, We have: Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money

Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

PLEASE IGNORE IF U R MARRIED.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Visual Joke: One of the coolest weeding invitation
~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Today's Joke: Four Management Lessons

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 01:13:00 GMT

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Today's Joke: Four Management Lessons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be Boss, any asshole will do!

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard he bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons Summary:

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

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Visual Joke: Top 10 way, how NOT to fill fuel
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Today's Joke: The Accommodating Wife

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:06:00 GMT

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Today's Joke: The Accommodating Wife
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!"

Now my wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

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Visual Joke: Your house value as see by
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Today's Joke: The Corporate Love Letter

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 20:50:00 GMT

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Today's Joke: The Corporate Love Letter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In today's world of MBA's, the old fashioned Love-Letter is being replaced by such 'Corporate' Love-Letters, go ahead and read on.

Dearest Ms. _____,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you. Since the 25th of December 2008. With reference to the meeting held between us on the 24 th of December 2008 at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

However I am broadminded enough, to be taken care of all your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without any further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

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Visual Joke: Our Wishes for The Rest Of The Year
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Today's Joke: Teacher Arrested the Al-gebra movement

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 20:57:00 GMT

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Today's Joke: Teacher Arrested Al-gebra movement
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A public school teacher was arrested today at Nairobi International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the CID (criminal Investigation dept) with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Police Commissioner said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"

When asked to comment on the arrest, authorities said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

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Visual Joke: The perfect bathroom for honeymoon couples!
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Today's Joke: Dat is Math

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 09:07:00 GMT

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Today's Joke: Dat is Math
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred... So, when do I start?!"

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Today's Joke: For the love of God

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 17:20:00 GMT

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Today's Joke: For the love of God
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other day I went to the local religious book store and I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "Go Jesus Christ, Go!"

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And it's a good thing I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

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Visual Joke: Westerners vs Indians approach towards life!
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Today's Joke: The Indian way of doing Business

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 07:10:00 GMT

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Today's Joke: The Indian way of doing Business
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.

They go with a White House office to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, outraged says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

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Visual Joke: What is the best way to wash clothes
~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Today's Joke: Hilarious mail from victim of chain mails

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 18:35:00 GMT

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Today's Joke: HILARIOUS MAIL FROM A FRUSTRATED VICTIM OF CHAIN MAILS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me from 2002 - 2008 and still continuing it in 2009, Because of your kindness:

I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it�s good for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer, now my friends wont sit beside me anymore.

I don�t leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties, I don�t look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.. (Poor girl! she�s been 7 since 1993)

* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle�s property of $ 100 million, So much for his trustworthy.

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Visual Joke: Check out our Family Photograph
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